How to Approach A Vampire
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Approaching A Vampire

So you've decided that you want to approach a vampire? You must be very brave to be considering this. Or quite silly. You do realize that most of us are not Edward looking for our Bella right? If you want to approach one of us please have that straight in your mind first, because nothing sends us running for the hills faster than that.

Humans have tried approaching us in the past and the results have not always worked in their favor. Then again, humans don't have a reputation for seeking vampires out for peaceful negotiation. Remember that a vampire may not want to be approached for who they are. Then again, there are others who don't mind. Just like humans, our species are a mixed bag of personalities, but one thing is universal for all…This is a task that must be done appropriately – we really don't want a mess to clean up later if things go wrong.

First learn about where to find us. Vampires have a modus operandi (M.O.)... it's such a joke among us because it's true and one vampire even opened a club called Modus Operandi in the 1970's – it was a great spot! But I digress...

Read on to learn a few tips on the appropriate methods of approaching a vampire.

Don't try to attack vamps


First and foremost, know why you want to find us. If your purpose is for violence, forget about it and go home. I can't stress this enough. Picking a fight with a vampire will never work. First, we are strong. I mean, we can rip a tree limb off a live tree trunk, or fight a wild cat, the way the Cullens did in Twilight (I am super impressed by Stephanie Meyer's cleverness in writing those stories! She was very coy managing to out us and make us seem even more implausible all at the same time. Kudos to her!).

We are also fast and can move 20 feet in the blink of an eye.

Our physical attributes are not our only strengths in combat (and if you attack us, our minds will go to combat). We can hypnotize you if you look directly in our eyes. Our strength and speed will not be necessary if you make this mistake. We are also mind readers and can deduce what your next move will be before you move an inch.

So yea... really... don't threaten a vampire and for the love of blood don’t attack one. It just won’t end well for you. At all. And anyway, if you incorrectly attack a human, thinking they are a vampire, you will probably get arrested. So please, don't be dumb.

Approach us individually


Vampires each have their own personality, just like humans. Some may be open to meeting you – they may even respect you for recognizing who they are and having the guts to approach them – while others will be immediately defensive and think you mean them harm. A few vampires will simply be bored with you and walk away. But my point is that you never know who you are approaching, so be safe and walk up to us one at a time and try not to look too shifty or nervous.

State your purpose clearly


Even the most open vampire will be curious about why you are approaching them. I don't recommend walking directly up to one and asking “are you a vampire? I am curious because of a, b, and c...”. Instead, have a clear explanation for why you are acknowledging their existence, so when it comes up you are prepared. You see – most humans don't want to acknowledge us. In fact, most humans are scared of us. And I get it – we survive off your blood. It makes sense. So for a person to willingly walk up to us and genuinely want to be around us … well, we will be caught off guard and a little apprehensive.

Create intelligent conversation


We are intelligent beings and value well informed and lively discussions. This may be one of the best ways to approach a vampire – by engaging them in an interesting and scholarly conversation. Don't worry about the topic, just be well informed on whichever you choose. Want to talk music, art, television/movies and traveling? We are all ears! We also have lots of opinions on politics and will gladly debate about world news. Finding a common middle ground with a vampire will help make them like you, and in turn make them more willing to be honest with you when the time comes to creating a friendship and sharing your backgrounds. It also helps to start a conversation that makes sense for your location. I mean you would just walk up to a random person in a club and say ‘Hey what do you think about Dante’s Inferno?’ No. Make sure you open with something that makes sense for where you are.

Be coy


As I stated before – don't walk up to a potential vampire and bluntly ask them are vampires real? This will NEVER work in your favor, even with the most open minded of the species. After engaging a potential vamp in discussion, begin to drop little tid bits of your vamp knowledge in regular conversation. Be coy. Don't forget – we appreciate intelligence.

If you're talking about travel, mention something like “I prefer colder regions with more cloud cover. I am super sensitive to the sun and burn easily.” Check for any light of acknowledgement in their faces. If talking about cuisine you can say “let me guess – you are a meat and potatoes kind of guy? And you prefer your meat rare?”

As you begin to drop the hints that you are catching on to them, read their body language. It is okay to proceed if he/she turns their body so they are completely facing you, and leans in towards the conversation, engaged. If they are smiling closed mouth, that's a good sign. On the other hand, if they are sitting with only half their body facing you and are smiling from ear to ear, with their teeth in clear view, try to remove yourself from the situation. The vampire is uncomfortable and is deciding what to do with you. If you see fangs in your first conversation, get out of there as fast as possible without creating a scene. That vampire does not want to talk to you.

The other scenario is that a vampire who was once engaged in your conversation suddenly becomes distracted and wants to walk away. Let them. Don't follow them. That particular vampire feels threatened and will definitely attack you if you go after them. Congratulate yourself on your attempt and try another vampire at another time now having some experience under your belt.

Inform yourself on who we are


Have all your facts straight. If you have caught a vampires attention and they have opened up about who they are, they will next want to know what your intentions are and what you know about them. If you can manage to compliment a vampire, who is already on their way to liking you, you may be “in” with them.

There is no 100% fail proof way to approaching a vampire. Even if you remember all these tips and follow them perfectly, you may find yourself waking up in a dark alley and realizing from the bandage on your wrist that you were a snack. If this happens, don't be discouraged. Befriending a vampire is not impossible. Some humans manage it, but it's very uncommon. If this is what you want then try again when you feel up to it. Persistence is key, just remember to not be a pest. Pests don’t wind up with vampire friends they wind up as vampire meals. Friendly, engaging, non-threatening and being aware of visual and verbal cues will get you the furthest with any vampire you might meet. Do your best to relax and go with the flow and that first meeting might not be your last.